When It Comes To Smarts....Give It Away

fig. 1-1 Too much crap...for the record...

While we're on the topic of furniture, let's talk about your bookshelf...

Don't have a bookshelf? Go to Ikea at least and get a bookshelf. I'll wait.

Okay, you have a bookshelf. What should go on your bookshelf? Books, yes. But the selection of books is important. The recommendation is obviously for starter, the books you read. On top of the books you actually read, toss in some books you don't read. Why? Cause it puts out a good vibe. 

If you haven't guessed, we're planning for women to come over, because one of the first things people will usually inspect is the bookshelf.

Putting books up, say philosophy books, science books, or any other real deep literature will only make you seem more worldly. The only caveat, is you need to know enough about the book to talk intelligently about it, not just know what it says on the back cover. Right now, I have normal books that I have read, but I also have latin books, french books, American Sign Language books (ironically), my complete set of books from my Master's studies, etc.etc.etc.

On top of that, don't forget to add knick-knacks. Awards, candles, and various other objects that act as really strong conversation starters. Again, with knick-knacks, make sure they have a good back story, ooooor at least, a good made up back story.

Comic toys, models, and various other nerdery is fine, but use sparingly. You don't want the woman to think she stumbled into a comic book store. 

Worldly, think worldly. Don't think "random-mess-of-crap".

Your Spot Yes...Other People's Spot? Not So Much...

fig. 1-1 If your couch looks like this, clean it with fire.....

 

 

 Gentlemen, we need to talk about the one focal piece of furniture that sets the mood for the rest of the Palace-of-Wonderment that is our apartment/house. It's the crappy couch you have in your living room.

 

 Now lemme start by saying that if you're a bachelor and you have an immaculate couch you just purchased, then awesome. You're a rock star, and you can ignore the rest of this post, except check the next paragraph.

 

  If you own any type of leather couch, especially black, get rid of that sh*t immediately. That's a porno couch. Even though Bachelor Code allows for certain tacky things (I.e. swords, Comic girl posters, etc.) in your living space, black leather couches are strictly off limits. It's gross no matter the weather, and it just sends a nasty message to anyone that comes into your living room.

 

 However, if you're like me, you have an only okay couch that most likely has several residual food stains on the cushions along with the sides being completely shredded like a scratching post by cats/dogs/various wildlife.

 

 Any who, so the question becomes, what of the couch. The key thing your couch needs to be is comfortable. That is the primary purpose, and with Bachelor Code, certain items in your home need to be absolutely functional over fashionable to start. We can deal with the fashionable later. By comfortably, it can't have springs or staples sticking out of it. It certainly can't have the dip in the middle that some couches have where the springs give out in the middle. And it, under no conditions, can be missing any of the cushions, either bottom or back. It's gotta be pretty much a whole couch, minus wear and tear. The couch should definitely receive bonus points if it is a 1) couch with a hideaway bed 2) one of those uber deep couches that you can lay two people side by side on it with nobody hanging over or 3) a GIANT sectional that takes up 90% of your living room.

 

  Now, what to do with that Ranch stained leviathan that is just too comfy to replace? Well, you could be a do-it-yourself douche nozzle and follow these instructions to reupholster your couch, or you can just get a massive, fuzzy blanket and drape it over it. As long as you tuck in the sides and make it look smooth, job done. Fuzzy blankets (i.e. fake chinchilla, etc.) not only covers up your great history of party stains, but also makes the couch inviting from a tactile standpoint. Otherwise known as "pet-me" fabrics, I'm lead to believe women are big fans of this kinda stuff, and usually tend to gravitate towards it. :)

 

  And again, you with the leather couch, KILL IT WITH FIRE! 

"I'm A Man Of My Woooooord"

fig. 1-1 Even crazy keeps their promises.....

 

 

  Alright, I've realized that despite my first post, I haven't been good about updating more than a couple of weeks, which given, mea culpa. So I shall endeavor to shed even more light on the trials and tribulations of bachelorhood moving forward. And as such, I'm going to speak to promises and honoring your word.

 

   Probably the biggest example of this is when you decide to start dating. This is something where, for some reason, it's socially acceptable for a man (or woman....probably) to basically completely ignore his friends and existing social obligations and focus 110% of his attention to the new woman in his life.

 

   This. Is. WRONG.

 

  Hey guy, remember all of your friends that pulled an all nighter at the bar with you on a work night, or came over and helped you change your break calipers on your car until all hours of the night? Yeah, why again would you simply forget they exist just because you're now getting some "smash" (to use common street vernacular) on the regular? Uh, that's right, because you're a terrible person.

 

  While a lot of people would disagree with me, and for the most part, this part of Guy Code is largely ignored (I.e. "Bros before...well, you know what"), this becomes a matter not only of ethics, but also an issue of what the hell happens if ya'll break up? And further more, if you're a man that is simply content with only a woman in his life with no discernible friends to speak of, then I (as well as others) begin to highly question your loyalty as a friend.

 

  And in doing so, while you would be encouraged to maintain your friendship, even on a less-than-regular level than it was before you got into a relationship, don't end up being one of those people that always makes plans and cancels at the last minute (known in the industry as a "ditch-b#tch"). That's magnitudes times worse than just not making plans in general.

 

  A decent bachelor always makes times for his friends, especially those already in a relationship. Because more often than not, those guys in a relationship need to get away and typically retrieve their family jewels from their girlfriends/wives purses.

Laundry! Wash Yo' Drawers!

 Ah, the subject of laundry that we typically struggle with when living on our own. The condition of living alone, I contest, gave rise to the "sniff test". However, always being mindful of our interactions with the outside people (aka "society"), it's always important to mediate this difficult issue using the following tips:

 - Always keep clean towels. If you're like 95% of other bachelors, these things don't get washed (or hung up even) until they're so stiff with dirt that they can stand up on their own. Believe it or not dudes, chicks WILL sniff these when they come over and use your bathroom. Don't give her friction burns if she tries to dry her hands off after washing them.

 - Despite our current belief structure, pants do indeed get dirty. Don't do what I do and wait till there's visible stains on your pants to wash them (for the record, food stains, not weird sh*t). If they're your favorite pants, go out and buy a second pair of exactly the same type. Problem solved. One on your body, the other putting your washer to the task.

 - Folding. Not mandatory. As long as you can jam that sh*t in your drawers and close the drawers, you're golden.

 - Fabric softener. We don't use this. Not sheets. Not liquid. We don't use this.

 - Ironing. Every man worth his weight in salt needs to know how to iron. While you might not use this all the time, or hardly ever depending on your career, it WILL win you over with the ladies.

 - Hand held steamer. If you're like me and constantly going to job interviews, this handy little bastard will stretch out the length of the folds in your laundry and you can avoid going to the dry cleaners as much as possible (again, provided their isn't food or "mystery" stains on your suit)

 - Whites. BLEACH. Bleach, bleach, bleach the sh*t outta your whites. I read a report stating the average pair of underwear contains approximately 1 gram (ish) of poo. And if you're like me and wear tighty whities (which I don't think anyone in their 30's wears anymore), you're gonna want that stuff reeking of bleach while it's in the machine.

  - Tighty Whities. If you're over 30, get rid of them and upgrade at least to boxer briefs.

  - Lint traps. Clean 'em. Nuff said.

  - Gym clothes. Wash them after EVERY workout. I have been to the gym all too often and been blasted by what smells like a 10 ft. tall burning onion, most likely due to muscle heads not washing their workout clothes. Doooo not be that guy.

Remember, laundry is matter of out of sight, out of mind. Clean it properly, often, and hide it. Currently I have a massive pile of clean laundry on my dining room table that needs to be stuffed into drawers. Don't be like me. :P

Porn Security Is ALWAYS Necessary

  Even though we bachelors enjoy the solitude to fire up porn whenever we want, it's very important to note that you should always keep that crap out of the easily accessible areas if/when humanly possible. You much plan for every contingency, and suspend for the moment the idea that no woman/other person will ever enter your place.

 Computer wise, be sure to have your porn located in a folder at least not located on your desktop. You need to have that at least one layer below what is typically accessible should you decide to keep some saved on your comp. Even then, relabel the folder to something not obvious like "NASTY BUTT PORN" but rather something that people would skip over thinking nothing was in it like "Autoexe.bat" or "2008 Tax Forms". And neeeeever save any of that stuff to your typical images folder, just in case.

  Additionally, just make it a habit anytime you're online to use incognito mode so that histories arn't saved. Google has a nasty habit of auto-filling certain fields that you least expect. It can take your recent search for "golden showers" and plop that beast into certain email subject lines in some cases, that, might include a woman using your computer be typing "good morning" in the subject line.

  As for DVD's and VHS tapes (if anyone is so absurd to use such things these days), that stuff needs to be in a plain a$$ box in the back of your deepest closet. If you watch it, put it back. These items should not be book ending anything on your library shelves, or worse, be used as coasters on your coffee table.

   Honestly, it would be dumb to say women don't think for a second we don't watch porn. We're dudes, it's what we do. In the instance that they ask you if you watch porn, a solid reply is "yeah, but it's been a while." And the subsequent question, no, you do not watch it with your friends (and guy code dictates that you never will). But if you go about smashing it in her face that you do watch porn, well, you might be lonely for a loooong time.

  Remember, when it comes to chicks and porn, out of sight, out of mind. ;)

Cleanliness Isn't Next To Bachelorliness

fig. 1-1 You don't have to......

   As a bachelor, I think most of us understand that cleanliness is not one of our top priorities. Now obviously I'm not addressing personal hygiene (was yo' stank ass), but rather the state of our apartments, cars, etc.etc.etc.

   I'm sure I hit some of the more extremes when it comes to lack of sanitation about the house. Several examples including:

• After joining the Army and living off post, I didn't vacuum my apartment for a full year, mainly because I didn't own a vacuum. Was I lazy and kinda gross for not doing it sooner? Probably, but I wasn't exactly hosting any parties/chicks at my house either so who the f**k cares.

• Whenever I drop a non-perishable food item on the floor (i.e. cereal, chips, ice cubes, coffee, etc.), I just kick that bitch under the fridge. Cats won't get it, and certainly saves me some time. (Gross, I know, but nobody'd know until I told them ;)

• I've had a coffee maker for about 3+ years now, and only a few weeks ago realized it has a replaceable coffee filter in it. Given, it looked like a core sample of a black hole, I figured it was probably okay. Then upon having coffee at a friends house who changed it regularly, I realized it was probably time to change the thing.

• I do laundry when I run outta stuff to wear, and I sure as hell don't use a dryer sheet. Don't need it. I figure if there's a sock stuck to my shirt, I'll figure it out (and it's kind of a karmatic f**k you to my ex-girlfriend who would literally lose her sh*t everytime I did laundry and didn't use a dryer sheet. Look, I don't want to smell Bounty soft okay??)

   To narrow in, Bachelor Code speaks to a general sense of cleanliness. Your place/car doesn't need to be spotless, but it DOES need to be ready for company at the last minute. I'm talking about a emergency kit for that last notice chica/party chance. Much like the storage of pasta items (see previous post), you need to be ready! Consider the following in this kit:

1. Clean bedding (if you didn't already know, chicks change their sheets when they know a guys coming over. Saw that on The Real World. Why they do that? I have no idea. I'm sure if they left their sheets on there for two weeks, it's smell like daisies and what not)
2. Clean, foofy towels. The softer, the better. And remember to leave a hand towel on the sink so that people can wash their hands after going to the bathroom. Don't do what you and I do, and expect them to dry their hands on their pants. Or worse, send them the wrong message and make them believe you don't even wash your hands.
3. A new pump bottle of hand soap. See above. Nobody wants to use your bar soap and give you a handy by proxy.
4. Candles. Don't need to light 'em, just need to have them around. Chicks just like that kinda stuff.
5. Wine. Forgot to add this in the food post, but ALWAYS a good idea to have. Throw in a GOOD bag of coffee too, not that ground up store brand dirt you typically drink. 
6. Dryer Sheets. (See above...and I don't wanna talk about it)

  Now that's a start of bare essentials. Based on how deeply entrenched you are in bachelorhood, definitely add stuff. The trick here is to have stuff you wouldn't personally want or care to have around, but you know it would probably be good to have in a pinch based on your personal habits if you were ever expecting company to show up last minute.

  But bottom line, don't panic if there's a beer stain on your sh*tty couch or there's a month old pizza still in your fridge. You can let this happen, why? Because nooobody's there to complain about it! ;)

Sustainable Food Stores!

   Ramen is the food we almost all have grown to know and love. The staple food in college and what not, ramen is awesome. It's cheap, it lasts forever, and better yet, it's extremely customizable.

   This is the ultimate bachelor chow on the planet because it doesn't require a lot of preparation, and you can literally cook it and chow it under 15 minutes.

   In my bachelor experience, I do try to eat healthy, but I sure as hell am not going to make a gourmet salad for myself, or whip up a five course meal every night. I'm pretty sure most bachelors don't either. My record of living on this stuff would be about 2.5 years after I first started the Army. And even more odd, I chose to eat this. Had the carbs I needed, toss in some hot dogs (protein), green beans (for "something green"), and some times cheese or an egg. Not high in fat, filled me up, and hell, I even ate out of the same pot every night that I just left on the stove and washed once a week.

   Bachelors don't cook fancy. That's Bachelor Code. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't be able to. I always keep a small emergency "oh sh*t I have a date coming over" food store in my cabinets just in case. Typically it's a box of penne pasta (I know, I know, more pasta), a jar of Vodka pasta sauce, a can of olives, a jar of capers, and a frozen ass slab of chicken in my freezer. This comes together in an instant should someone be coming over.

   Other bachelor choices can include Hot Pockets, Beeferoni out of the can (literally, straight out the can with a spoon), and my ultimate creation, Nasty Taco Pizza. That's where you nuke a .99 cent pizza (typically Totinos), hammer the top with chili, Fritos (for crunch), ranch, and whatever else you want. Fold it up like a taco, and just go to town. It's not pretty but it works!

   So Bachelor Code for food? Keep your food quick and easy, you got better sh*t to do!